Making it...

I made it through the last few days. Which I'm counting as an accomplishment.

I won't say that I did "good" or "alright" or whatever.... what is "alright" when you've lost your little brother? I'll just say that I made it through, and I'll give myself lotsa credit for that.

I've done some things in the past few days that I never thought I'd do in my lifetime. I strolled around a casket "showroom", looking at all these caskets, thinking to myself, which one would he like? When I was hit with the realization that NOBODY LIKES A CASKET. Hello! All the sudden I felt like a total idiot. But yes, the charcoal gray one with the pewter looking accents, yes, I thought, that one will do nicely. I talked to some really nice flower lady who told me that she would coordinate the family casket flower piece with the sister flower piece & the kids flower piece & it should all look very nice.

I'm not sure exactly what I thought I'd be attending, but with all the preparation, I guess I thought everything would be lovely. I couldn't have been more wrong. It didn't matter how pretty the casket was or how nicely the flowers coordinated or how expensive his suit was, it was still CHRIS - my little brother - dead. Nothing could have prepared me for the way I felt when I walked in that stupid room full of all those stupid flowers with that stupid gray casket. I bet I said a thousand times, "I don't like it". I was being nice. I HATED IT. I hated every minute of it. I hated the fact that my 30 year old brother wasn't going to see his children grow up. I hated that his name was plastered all over the cards of the flowers. I hated to think that Jackson & Cassidy may not remember him. I hated that my family was so upset and there was nothing I could do or say to help them. I hated that they had his hair combed all wrong and that they put makeup on him that was 10 shades lighter than his normal color. I hated that he looked so... I dunno. So wrong. So lifeless. So... gone.

So many people came. And there have been so many people leave messages on his obituary... the lady at the funeral home said that they out of everyone they had ever done, Chris had the most comments. He'd be so proud of that. Always the popular one, always the clown. Every time I log on to check the guestbook, I hear him saying, "Take a look at that! 4 pages of comments, BABBBBYYYYY!" ...and it makes me smile. :)

You can see his obituary & sign his guestbook @ www.cmgfh.com - click on Stephen Dennis. You can also view his memorial slideshow there... but beware, if you chose to watch prepare for some really bad hair days from yours truly! :)